Pride, but not quite fitting in.

Firstly, spoiler alert, and this is good for the corporations too, there’s no ‘community’ those of us under the LGBTQ+ banner seem to be assumed both inside and outside our community as one…no more so than Pride month. When, in fact, we are as disparate as our ‘alphabet’ identities and so much more. 

This isn’t a slight against Pride. Personally, I love a bit of rainbow vomit over June. It makes the bigots uncomfortable and gives us a chance to celebrate in times that are increasingly devoid of much to celebrate. For me as an LGBTQ+ educator, too it gives me the opportunity to share within the community and aside the history that we are missing, the things we should know, and to celebrate our community that way. 

But still, at times I feel out of step with Pride, in the way we’re ‘supposed’ to celebrate it. I am out of step with my community, where I fit in the rainbow and more. And that’s not something we’re supposed to acknowledge in June. We’re supposed to pretend all is fine and frolic in fields with rainbows in the sunshine (or, in the case of the Mighty Hoopla gays this weekend…up to your thighs in mud). But once again…we’re not a monolith. 

Look, I’ll be straight with you (first time for everything) the traditional ‘Pride’ set-up is my idea of hell. I am no good in crowds, I don’t drink much, and being an asexual, I’m shit at shagging around. So, a large number of selling points at traditional Prides are out. I also have terrible and niche music taste so I’m unlikely to have heard of the headliner either. Unless it’s Beverley Knight, an Icon of Pride, Musical Theatre, and Birmingham and I would lie down in the mud for that woman. But I digress. All in all, there’s not a lot about the actual Pride celebrations in the traditional sense that massively appeals to me. But this isn’t shade, they don’t appeal to me in the same way that, say…golf doesn’t appeal to me, or men’s football…I wish everyone involved a lovely day; I will be elsewhere. But unlike golf or football, there’s a sense of a community obligation to like these events, when in fact, they’re both massively inaccessible for a lot of us (anyone with any kind of physical disability or neurodiversity will struggle at such events, this, unfortunately, is a fact). They’re also expensive, which is increasingly an issue in this economy. And yet, saying you’re not big on Pride feels wrong. You’re supposed to like the things that it has been decided we as a community want. 

I am big on Pride parades. Because Pride is a protest, and being visible in those parades does matter a lot to me. I’ve never had the courage to do it until the last two years when I found my lovely hockey community to do it with. And being part of that feels, in this climate, really important. While marching in rainbows in a relatively safe city like Cardiff might not feel massively activist, it’s one of those things that, by existing is an activist statement. It’s also a moment of belonging even if the rest of Pride feels a little alienating. 

I’m aware, too, that there are ‘alternative’ Pride events, but actually not dissimilar to the main one; I feel ‘the wrong kind of queer’ for those. Specifically, they are too old, as many such things skew younger. Another issue in Prides in general, is that for older Queers who perhaps want a different pace or kind of event, there isn’t space for us. Community Prides are (brilliantly) led by young people on the whole, but sadly young people in our community sometimes don’t have time for anyone…over 30. So perhaps again, we just need to remember the community is nuanced; we don’t want to stop those…but maybe we need to create more spaces for older, quieter Queers to celebrate Pride. The community has and is evolving, we just maybe need to play catch up in some areas and make sure we all feel like we belong. 

And that is where the problems of Pride bleed into my broader ‘I don’t belong’ feelings in the Queer community. This year I’ve felt deliberately shunned by younger Queer folks I know, for not being ‘Queer Enough’ in their eyes, for not liking the right things. I know it’s a them problem, not a me problem but it’s a problem in the community, always has been. There are serious divisions in the community when we look at anti-trans sentiment, but also, at a lower level, there’s always been smaller micro-aggressions towards those who don’t ‘fit.’ Equally, we have biphobia, acephobia, and again, an array of hostility, small and large, against identity groups that someone somewhere deems ‘not one of us.’ 

And I don’t think I’m alone in feeling ‘not one us’ in the community sometimes. As a person whose identity label is not one that’s fixed, that is one that attracts derision and claims of ‘not real’ from inside and outside the community. Pride in particular, can be hard. That people claim both my Asexual identity and my Pansexual one are somehow ‘cheating’ or ‘not real’ on a regular basis, makes me wonder if I belong, makes me think it wouldn’t life be easier if I was x or y instead, and that’s hard when the messaging all month long is that ‘everyone belongs’ and ‘one rainbow’ or whatever. 

It’s hard as a month whenever any of us has any personal identity struggles going on. I’m once again wrestling with my Asexual identity and where it sits in relation to my pansexual identity. For the first time since coming out as Ace, I shared something on Pansexual visablity day because I am both, but I feel like a fraud when I say so. Just like I feel like a fraud having a crush on a straight man (I mean I get that ick, because ew straight men etc)  because clearly I’m cheating on the community and my Ace identity and oh my god, can I even admit that because I’m not supposed to do either. Or in talking about my agender identity, because I don’t look a certain way, because I chose not to change my gender presentation because it’s not about that for me. And it’s nobody’s business, in the same way as who I do or don’t have a crush on or date, or sleep with or whatever. But with all the flag waving and inclusivity comes a feeling of more scrutiny: who belongs, who doesn’t, and what flag are you waving? Are you allowed to? Are you too old to? What do you mean you don’t like disco and glitter? AND if your identity doesn’t fit just one flag? 

And truth be told, that’s where I am at this Pride. I feel out of step with any ‘community’ like I’m in a constant battle with label police, and internally I end up losing sense of who I am or might be. Not the right kind of Queer for the community, but certainly too Queer for the rest of the world. Not enjoying the kind of things you ‘should’ as part of the community, but desperately wanting to feel like you belong…because that’s what Pride is, belonging in the face of a world that doesn’t really want you. 

But all that said, Pride is a protest, and those who feel like we don’t belong just need to …take up space. Wave our rainbows wherever we are, and create the space and the community that fits us. And I know I have and will continue doing that. I know that the Queer folks in my Pride are ones that embrace me, for my labels, and all their contradictions. That accepts me for myself, even if that isn’t screaming to Drag and downing Sambuca at 3am. Because community is multifaceted, it’s complex and imperfect but it’s also what you make it. It’s the people the places you choose to make your own. And this Pride, perhaps those of us out of step with the mainstream do just that; forge our own way with a rainbow flag. Or whatever flag we choose to wave. 

This Pride month, I find myself unemployed, which is frankly homophobic. So, if you’re looking for a Pride month speaker, or any other month for that matter, I run lots of workshops on LGBTQ+ history, inclusivity and diversity training (along with Neurodiversity training), and creative and nonfiction writing. Find out more via my website. 

I’ll also be marching in Cardiff Pride with the Cardiff Devils fans; everyone is welcome, whether you’re a hockey fan or not. 

Finally, my friend Matryn over at is running a brilliant Pride fundraiser for all my crafty Queers; find out more here